Adopting Older Children
Before we adopted Victoria thirteen years ago, Bill and I were required to sit through long hours of classes for foster parents and other people, like us, who were considering adoption of older children. In this case, "older" means any age past infancy. We learned all about basic child care for children with special needs. We were introduced to all kinds of trauma that might have been experienced by children in need of alternative homes. I remember, though, that one presenter reassured us that, statistically, only one percent of adopted older children would inherit their birth parents' mental illness.
She lied.
Or, maybe, she was misinformed. Or, perhaps, there just wasn't enough research to disprove her claim. Whatever the reason for her assertion, I can say, without doubt, that all of the numerous children I've known, who have been adopted past infancy, have been adversely affected by some form of mental illness, whether it was inherited or acquired.
PTSD--Post Traumatic Stress Disorder--seems to me to be the most common diagnosis among children who have been traumatized. And, most older children who are available for adoption have been traumatized in some way; otherwise, they would not need to be adopted. A high percentage of such children have been neglected or abused, physically or sexually (or both.) A huge number have been exposed to alcohol and drugs in utero, with resulting fetal alcohol syndrome and varying degrees of learning disabilities. At times, most suffer from extreme anxiety. A very high percentage will be diagnosed with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.) A significant number will be diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder or something similar. (Children with RAD have a difficult time trusting any adult, since so many of the adults in their young lives have failed to provide the care they need.) Before they reach adulthood, far more than one percent will be treated for depression or Bipolar Disorder or some other form of serious mental illness.
My two adopted children are not much different from thousands of other children who were adopted past infancy. Between them, Victoria and Levi, who are not biological siblings, have been diagnosed with most of the disorders and conditions listed above. In addition, they each have other significant medical conditions that are not considered to be mental illness. Both have exhibited behaviors that are not generally appreciated by the people we know. Both benefit from regular therapy sessions. Our pharmacists greet us by name.
I'm not writing this because I want or need your sympathy. Instead, I want you to understand that adoption of older children does not provide a quick fix for kids who have been damaged by their early experiences and environments. Despite our best intentions, love is not always enough. I've read statistics stating that it takes at least two years in an adoptive home for every year a child was living in a traumatic situation, before that child can begin to lead a normal life. Some children require much more time than that, and some children may never live completely normal lives as adults.
So, if I had it to do all over again, would I still adopt two children with special needs? Absolutely! Adopting older children is definitely risky, but it is a risk worth taking. Sometimes we feel like we are taking one step forward and two steps back. But, when we stop to think about the progress our children have made through the years, we can see tremendous growth. We welcome baby steps. We rejoice when we reach milestones.
We know that there is absolutely no way we can effectively parent these children alone. We value teachers, mentors, therapists, health care providers, church family, extended family, and friends who provide our necessary support system. We always need your prayers, because we know that God is the only one who can undo the harm that was done long before Victoria and Levi joined our family.
One more thing: there are lots more children out there who need forever homes. Perhaps one of you would be able to love and care for one of them. Is God calling you to adopt a special child who needs someone like you? I can guarantee that it will not be the easiest thing you ever do, but it may become more rewarding than you can imagine.
With God, all things are possible. Matthew 19:26
She lied.
Or, maybe, she was misinformed. Or, perhaps, there just wasn't enough research to disprove her claim. Whatever the reason for her assertion, I can say, without doubt, that all of the numerous children I've known, who have been adopted past infancy, have been adversely affected by some form of mental illness, whether it was inherited or acquired.
PTSD--Post Traumatic Stress Disorder--seems to me to be the most common diagnosis among children who have been traumatized. And, most older children who are available for adoption have been traumatized in some way; otherwise, they would not need to be adopted. A high percentage of such children have been neglected or abused, physically or sexually (or both.) A huge number have been exposed to alcohol and drugs in utero, with resulting fetal alcohol syndrome and varying degrees of learning disabilities. At times, most suffer from extreme anxiety. A very high percentage will be diagnosed with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.) A significant number will be diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder or something similar. (Children with RAD have a difficult time trusting any adult, since so many of the adults in their young lives have failed to provide the care they need.) Before they reach adulthood, far more than one percent will be treated for depression or Bipolar Disorder or some other form of serious mental illness.
My two adopted children are not much different from thousands of other children who were adopted past infancy. Between them, Victoria and Levi, who are not biological siblings, have been diagnosed with most of the disorders and conditions listed above. In addition, they each have other significant medical conditions that are not considered to be mental illness. Both have exhibited behaviors that are not generally appreciated by the people we know. Both benefit from regular therapy sessions. Our pharmacists greet us by name.
I'm not writing this because I want or need your sympathy. Instead, I want you to understand that adoption of older children does not provide a quick fix for kids who have been damaged by their early experiences and environments. Despite our best intentions, love is not always enough. I've read statistics stating that it takes at least two years in an adoptive home for every year a child was living in a traumatic situation, before that child can begin to lead a normal life. Some children require much more time than that, and some children may never live completely normal lives as adults.
So, if I had it to do all over again, would I still adopt two children with special needs? Absolutely! Adopting older children is definitely risky, but it is a risk worth taking. Sometimes we feel like we are taking one step forward and two steps back. But, when we stop to think about the progress our children have made through the years, we can see tremendous growth. We welcome baby steps. We rejoice when we reach milestones.
We know that there is absolutely no way we can effectively parent these children alone. We value teachers, mentors, therapists, health care providers, church family, extended family, and friends who provide our necessary support system. We always need your prayers, because we know that God is the only one who can undo the harm that was done long before Victoria and Levi joined our family.
One more thing: there are lots more children out there who need forever homes. Perhaps one of you would be able to love and care for one of them. Is God calling you to adopt a special child who needs someone like you? I can guarantee that it will not be the easiest thing you ever do, but it may become more rewarding than you can imagine.
With God, all things are possible. Matthew 19:26
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