No Contact

Be kind to each other, 

tenderhearted, 

forgiving one another, 

just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

Ephesians 4:32

I've noticed a fairly new trend on social media. According to popular wisdom, when someone close to you offends you in any way, the most accepted reaction seems to be to go "no contact." In other words, stop speaking to them immediately, and shut them out of your life completely and permanently. 

Now, I agree that there might be a time and place where this would be appropriate. If your life is in danger, or if associating with a particular person or group of people might lead you to participate in risky or even illegal behavior, then it is probably best for you to limit your time with them. The Bible says that there are some people that we should just not associate with because of their sinfulness: But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. (2 Timothy 3: 1-5) However, we also need to remember what Jesus had to say about this in Matthew 5:43-44: You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. Note that Jesus didn't say we have to spend significant time with such people; he just said that we should love them and pray for them. However, we might need God's help to find some suitable ways to show love to them.

I think that the popular notion that "people never change" leaves God out of the equation. It may be difficult for people to make significant lifestyle changes on their own, but Glory belongs to God, whose power is at work in us. By this power he can do infinitely more than we can ask or imagine. (Ephesians 3:20) God is able to change people in ways we never thought possible.

I know it's not easy to put up with some people, even family members, who frequently bully others or say and do outrageous things. Sometimes, we would rather just stay away from them. But we need to keep these words from Romans 12:2 in mind: Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will. So, if we don't automatically go no contact just because the world demands it, we can take time to seek God's will for a particular situation, and leave room for him to work in ways that might seem impossible to us. 

God is able to mend broken relationships and change people into better versions of themselves, but it often takes some time, and it might require us to put up with some unpleasant interactions or even go "low contact" for a while. In the meantime, we can strive to be polite and kind whenever we associate with anyone, even those whose presence makes us feel uncomfortable, and we can make a point of speaking appropriately to others, especially other Christians, even when we are not on the best of terms. 

We would all be lost if God's attitude toward us was like the world's current "one strike and you're out" point of view. God is in the forgiveness business, giving people second, third, and fourth chances, and beyond, and he expects us to do the same. Remember, when Peter asked Jesus how often he should forgive someone who had sinned against him, Jesus responded "seventy times seven," which basically means every time. (See Matthew 18:21-22.) As Colossians 3:13 says, Make allowance for each other's faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. And Hebrews 12:14 says this: Make every effort to live in peace with everyone. 

That doesn't sound like God is greatly in favor of going "no contact," does it?

The Bible is especially clear about how we should treat fellow Christians. 1 Peter 3:8-11 has this to say: All of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. For, “Whoever would love life and see good days must keep their tongue from evil and their lips from deceitful speech. They must turn from evil and do good; they must seek peace and pursue it."

Reconciliation is defined as the restoration of friendly relations. In the Bible, reconciliation involves a change in relationship between God and people, or between people and other people. Reconciliation requires a willingness to forgive, as well as a commitment to try to restore a broken relationship. Forgiveness means letting go of the past and any resentment against someone who has hurt you, and letting go of the desire for revenge. 

Noted clinical psychologist and author, Dr. Henry Cloud, had this to say: "If you've ever been on the receiving end of someone claiming to set boundaries and then cutting you off without giving you a chance to reconcile, know that this is not what boundaries are truly about. And if you're the one doing this, it's essential to understand that this approach doesn't serve you or your relationships. By avoiding conflict and not building the necessary skills to set boundaries within relationships, you'll be ill-equipped for future relationships."

Lack of willingness to reconcile hurts you at least as much as it hurts the other person, and our unwillingness to forgive others often produces bitterness and unhappiness. Life is short! We don't know what tomorrow will bring, so we shouldn't stay mad for too long. We need to be willing to forgive and love with all our hearts. 

It isn't easy to try to reconcile with a friend or family member, but God is always ready to help. Ask him to show you what to do, and ask for the courage you need and the words to say. I am convinced that he will make reconciliation possible for two Christians who desire it, just as he can make even the desire to reconcile possible for those who really don't want to restore a broken relationship between Christians.

If you are able to reconcile with someone eventually, you will probably not need to become "joined at the hip" with them forever, unless you both want to spend much more time together. Forgiveness and reconciliation can restore a broken relationship, especially between two God fearing people who both want to reconcile, and it may even lead to a better relationship than you've ever had before, but reconciliation might not produce instant friendship. And sometimes, forgiveness means that, for your own well-being, you continue with a relationship of minimal contact, while leaving any continuing injustice for God to deal with, and trusting him to give you peace and everything else you need for the situation. I don't believe that God expects you to return to a relationship with someone who is not willing to change their sinful, toxic behavior. "Unforgiveness is like eating rat poison and expecting the rat to die, but hanging out with a rat isn't going to get you anywhere, either.  Forgiveness doesn't mean friendship." -Ryan Miller, Dudewithgoodnews

At my Lifegroup last night, we started to study the book of Mark. One thing we discovered was that the Apostle Paul and his traveling companion, Mark, (also known as John Mark) became estranged for a time, each going their separate ways after some kind of major disagreement. God used their time apart to his advantage, since they were able to reach many more people separately than they could have if they had been traveling together at that time. However, we learned that Paul and Mark eventually reconciled, and continued their ministry together later.

Occasionally, it becomes necessary to step back from a relationship for a time, but I am sure that God expects us to get past our hurt feelings so we can forgive one another. He asks us to seek reconciliation with other Christians so we can have the best kind of relationship with him. As Jesus said in Matthew 5:23-24, "If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift."

Finally, I'll leave you with Jesus' words from Matthew 12:10-21:

Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them. Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!

Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.

Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the Lord.

Instead, “If your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals of shame on their heads.”

Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.