Security
As I was holding Tobin in church this morning, I noticed how he just sat back and relaxed in my lap, content to look around and listen to all that was taking place. He felt secure. When he started to fuss a little, I handed him to Meagan, who took him out briefly until he fell asleep. Then, he napped peacefully in her lap until the end of the worship service, opening his eyes once when the congregation applauded for some special music, then closing his eyes to continue his nap, secure in his mother's lap.
How often we take such security for granted! A child like Toby, who is raised in a stable, loving family, is truly blessed. We are not always aware of the many children who do not share this blessing.
When we first met Victoria, and then Levi, they were each four years old. They had both experienced much trauma in their short lives. The adults in their lives abused drugs or alcohol, or both. Some family members struggled with mental illness. Without going into great detail, I can say that both of their birth families lacked stability. Their lives were chaotic at best, riddled with neglect and various kinds of abuse.
You might think that adoption would provide immediate security for children like Victoria and Levi, but that is just not true. Long before the age of four, most children have learned to trust their parents and other adults. However, children like Victoria and Levi have learned, at a very young age, that the adults in their lives cannot be trusted to provide the care and security that they need. So, even now, at the ages of sixteen and (almost) nine, they are often testing to see if we, their adoptive parents, can be trusted. In fact, they test almost every authority figure they meet--grandparents, new teachers, coaches, youth leaders, friends' parents, even God--no one is exempt. If someone is found to be lacking in trustworthiness, even momentarily, then that person may be treated with a distinct lack of respect. Rude or aggressive behavior usually results. It's a phenomenon that is rarely found in stable families, but it is very common for children who have been in foster care, or who have been adopted at any time past early infancy. There's even a name for it: Reactive Attachment Disorder.
RAD has many other characteristics, as well. My explanation is greatly simplified. If you're truly interested, you can google it to find out much more.
In our family, we can go for days, weeks, or even months, with little sign of RAD but, suddenly, with little warning, it may rear its ugly head, as it did this week. Then, Bill and I have to regroup, increase structure, and try to prove, once again, that we can be trusted to provide for our children's needs. At such times, we may ask for your prayers. That doesn't necessarily mean that we're panicking or feeling hopeless. It just means that we know how much we need God's help to raise these two children. And he has been faithful, giving us the patience and wisdom we need, over and over again.
Summertime, with its innate lack of structure, can be a trying time for our family. And a new school year will begin in just a month's time, bringing many changes, including new schools for all of us this year, and new teachers who will have to prove themselves trustworthy. Please pray for us in the coming weeks!
How often we take such security for granted! A child like Toby, who is raised in a stable, loving family, is truly blessed. We are not always aware of the many children who do not share this blessing.
When we first met Victoria, and then Levi, they were each four years old. They had both experienced much trauma in their short lives. The adults in their lives abused drugs or alcohol, or both. Some family members struggled with mental illness. Without going into great detail, I can say that both of their birth families lacked stability. Their lives were chaotic at best, riddled with neglect and various kinds of abuse.
You might think that adoption would provide immediate security for children like Victoria and Levi, but that is just not true. Long before the age of four, most children have learned to trust their parents and other adults. However, children like Victoria and Levi have learned, at a very young age, that the adults in their lives cannot be trusted to provide the care and security that they need. So, even now, at the ages of sixteen and (almost) nine, they are often testing to see if we, their adoptive parents, can be trusted. In fact, they test almost every authority figure they meet--grandparents, new teachers, coaches, youth leaders, friends' parents, even God--no one is exempt. If someone is found to be lacking in trustworthiness, even momentarily, then that person may be treated with a distinct lack of respect. Rude or aggressive behavior usually results. It's a phenomenon that is rarely found in stable families, but it is very common for children who have been in foster care, or who have been adopted at any time past early infancy. There's even a name for it: Reactive Attachment Disorder.
RAD has many other characteristics, as well. My explanation is greatly simplified. If you're truly interested, you can google it to find out much more.
In our family, we can go for days, weeks, or even months, with little sign of RAD but, suddenly, with little warning, it may rear its ugly head, as it did this week. Then, Bill and I have to regroup, increase structure, and try to prove, once again, that we can be trusted to provide for our children's needs. At such times, we may ask for your prayers. That doesn't necessarily mean that we're panicking or feeling hopeless. It just means that we know how much we need God's help to raise these two children. And he has been faithful, giving us the patience and wisdom we need, over and over again.
Summertime, with its innate lack of structure, can be a trying time for our family. And a new school year will begin in just a month's time, bringing many changes, including new schools for all of us this year, and new teachers who will have to prove themselves trustworthy. Please pray for us in the coming weeks!
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