No Holding Back
From the time my mother sang "Jesus Loves Me" and "My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean" at bedtime, when I was just a toddler, I've been singing along--quietly, because I didn't want my singing to be noticed.
My kindergarten teacher, Miss Steele, lined us up in three rows for music, with the best singers in the front, the so-so singers in the middle row, and the monotones and shouters, and the nearly silent singers, in the back row. I was in the back, of course, because I didn't want anyone to hear me sing. But one day, Miss Steele asked me to come and stand beside her in front of the class, where she put her arm around me and encouraged me to sing some little ditty along with her. I must have been able to carry a tune to her satisfaction because, after that, I got to stand in the front row for music. I was so proud that I ran all the way home after school to tell Mom I got moved to the front row!
As a child, I always sang my heart out for our church Christmas programs, because I loved to sing "Silent Night" and "Oh Come, All Ye Faithful," and all those songs just for the children to sing, like "Away in a Manger," and "Little Children, Can You Tell," and Oh, Come, Little Children." It didn't hurt that our Sunday School enrollment was huge; it was always easier for me to sing along with a large group, where I wouldn't stand out.
When I attended school in Norfolk, each classroom teacher taught music to her own class. Some teachers were better than others, of course, because none of them were music specialists. When we moved to Fairbury, though, I was excited to find that each school had a music teacher who came to visit our classroom a couple of times a week, pushing a blonde, spinet piano through the door in front of him or her, its squeaky wheels stubbornly determining where the piano would come to rest. During my whole school career in Fairbury, I only had two music teachers: Mr. Beetley and Mrs. Holloway. They each taught some elementary classes, with Mrs. Holloway teaching all of the junior high music classes. What a thankless job that must have been sometimes, since very few young, teenage boys wanted to sing. Mr. Beetley taught band and high school chorus, both of them elective classes that students chose, so I think he had the better job assignment.
I must say that I learned a lot from both music teachers. I loved the elementary and junior high music classes, and I was eager to sing in the high school chorus for all four of my years there. I also sang in a triple trio in junior high and high school; I never wanted to sing with a smaller group than that, and I was petrified at the thought of ever singing a solo.
Have you ever stopped to consider that the whole premise of choral singing is to blend many voices together, so they sound like one voice? In group singing, it is not usually acceptable for any one vocalist to stand out above the others. And so, I learned the discipline of blending in. It wasn't really much of a stretch for me, since that was just the way I liked it.
For some reason, though, I was perfectly comfortable leading singing when I played my guitar for my church's youth group. As a young adult, I was coerced into singing a reluctant solo, or a duet with Bill, at a handful of weddings and a funeral, before giving up on that endeavor as a lost cause. Later, when I taught kindergarten, and then elementary school music, I had no problem singing with my students. I just didn't want to sing alone, in front of any adults.
And then, a few years ago, God brought it to my attention that, when it came to singing, I wasn't giving it my all; in fact, I was holding back, big time. I wasn't pleased with that revelation, because I still didn't want to do anything more than choral singing, or quiet harmony while I played bass on Calvary's worship team.
My kindergarten teacher, Miss Steele, lined us up in three rows for music, with the best singers in the front, the so-so singers in the middle row, and the monotones and shouters, and the nearly silent singers, in the back row. I was in the back, of course, because I didn't want anyone to hear me sing. But one day, Miss Steele asked me to come and stand beside her in front of the class, where she put her arm around me and encouraged me to sing some little ditty along with her. I must have been able to carry a tune to her satisfaction because, after that, I got to stand in the front row for music. I was so proud that I ran all the way home after school to tell Mom I got moved to the front row!
As a child, I always sang my heart out for our church Christmas programs, because I loved to sing "Silent Night" and "Oh Come, All Ye Faithful," and all those songs just for the children to sing, like "Away in a Manger," and "Little Children, Can You Tell," and Oh, Come, Little Children." It didn't hurt that our Sunday School enrollment was huge; it was always easier for me to sing along with a large group, where I wouldn't stand out.
When I attended school in Norfolk, each classroom teacher taught music to her own class. Some teachers were better than others, of course, because none of them were music specialists. When we moved to Fairbury, though, I was excited to find that each school had a music teacher who came to visit our classroom a couple of times a week, pushing a blonde, spinet piano through the door in front of him or her, its squeaky wheels stubbornly determining where the piano would come to rest. During my whole school career in Fairbury, I only had two music teachers: Mr. Beetley and Mrs. Holloway. They each taught some elementary classes, with Mrs. Holloway teaching all of the junior high music classes. What a thankless job that must have been sometimes, since very few young, teenage boys wanted to sing. Mr. Beetley taught band and high school chorus, both of them elective classes that students chose, so I think he had the better job assignment.
I must say that I learned a lot from both music teachers. I loved the elementary and junior high music classes, and I was eager to sing in the high school chorus for all four of my years there. I also sang in a triple trio in junior high and high school; I never wanted to sing with a smaller group than that, and I was petrified at the thought of ever singing a solo.
Have you ever stopped to consider that the whole premise of choral singing is to blend many voices together, so they sound like one voice? In group singing, it is not usually acceptable for any one vocalist to stand out above the others. And so, I learned the discipline of blending in. It wasn't really much of a stretch for me, since that was just the way I liked it.
For some reason, though, I was perfectly comfortable leading singing when I played my guitar for my church's youth group. As a young adult, I was coerced into singing a reluctant solo, or a duet with Bill, at a handful of weddings and a funeral, before giving up on that endeavor as a lost cause. Later, when I taught kindergarten, and then elementary school music, I had no problem singing with my students. I just didn't want to sing alone, in front of any adults.
And then, a few years ago, God brought it to my attention that, when it came to singing, I wasn't giving it my all; in fact, I was holding back, big time. I wasn't pleased with that revelation, because I still didn't want to do anything more than choral singing, or quiet harmony while I played bass on Calvary's worship team.
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| Playing bass and singing harmony |
I suspect that many of you know what it's like to not want to do something God wants you to do. It's uncomfortable, to say the least. For a while, my prayers resembled arguments; I felt like I was pleading my case in court, and losing. So, I took some baby steps, first singing some of my songs for a friend, then singing a short solo along with the choir at church. The big step came when I first sang a solo at church, accompanying myself on my guitar. I was terrified at the thought of singing before an audience, even a friendly one, but God graciously gave me a strong sense of his presence as I sang. I was amazed to find that I could do anything God wanted me to do, because he gave me the strength and courage I needed to do it.
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41: 10 ESV
Since then, I've sung more solos here and there, and I've learned that singing solos requires a different kind of singing. When you sing a solo, there is no one to blend with, so a solo voice needs much more inflection and expression than choral singing requires. When singing a solo, there really is no holding back. I have to let go of my inhibitions and give it my all.
If you have heard me sing recently, you may think it comes easily for me. But if you knew me way back when I rarely sang above a whisper, you would quickly realize that something has changed. God is the one who makes it possible for me to sing alone, with expression, joyfully, no holding back. No holding back!
For nothing will be impossible with God.
Luke 1:37
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